I'm sorry I'm not posting much anymore. I just feel like I don't have anything to say that I haven't already said.
For those who didn't see my extremely low key announcement buried in the comments of a previous post, I got a positive HPT in August. I've had my first check up, at about 6w, and am having my second next Friday. I'm feeling very neutral about the whole thing.
I continue to see my psychiatrist and she said we would have to work on making sure this baby had a place in my life. It really struck me. I spend my time diligently not thinking about being pregnant, when in actual fact this baby shouldn't have to do something, like live outside my uterus, in order to "deserve" or "win" a place in my life. S/he should already have that, s/he is not responsible for what has gone before.
We were away for a long weekend and I felt quite dizzy throughout the weekend. I have also been tired and a little nauseous. As I type, my right ovary, which is the one I ovulated from, is hurting a quite bit. I have to call my OB for some test results tomorrow anyway so will ask her about all this. Maybe this 3rd pregnancy in just over a year is just taking its physical toll.
I still think about Moksha every day. Whilst flying to our long weekend destination, I cried for him again. How hard it is to let go of the should have beens. He should have been sitting on the plane between us. We should have been in the early boarding line of people with strollers. People should have been cooing at him and asking how old he was. Instead I stared at the tops of the clouds listening to the iPod with tears rolling down my cheeks. DH whispered, "Are you thinking about V.?" I nodded. "It's the music that does it," he said.
Updated: this is the song I was listening to.
6 years ago
18 comments:
True. The music "does it." But then, just plain old life "does it." For me anyway.
Good grief. I feel the full length of this 40 week journey for you.
Thinking positive thoughts for your state of mind and for your little growing one.
I think you shouldn't have to stop feeling sad for the 'what should have been'. You were robbed and have every right to feel sad, pissed off and cheated!
Congratulations on this pregnancy. I hope you can enjoy it.
Hugs
xxx
It is hard to not thing about the should have beens. I myself still do it over two years later. Just yesterday I had a girls day out with K but all I could think about was that one of my girls was missing. It all sucks and should never have to be this way.
I'm thinking about what your psychiatrist said. It's such an interesting comment, since (and I'm only guessing here) the temptation is probably to do the opposite -- to, at least for the moment, leave as little space as possible in your life for this baby.
What Brenda said.
Like Niobe, I'm compelled by your psychiatrist's words. She's right of course, but I know for me personally it took a long time to feel attached to this pregnancy. I don't know that that would have reduced the hurt of a loss early on, but I couldn't help it. I'm making efforts to be hopeful at this point, but honestly, the attachment just happened, at some stage I'm not sure when, without my control.
I'm wishing you well, and thinking of you often.
Music does tend to amplify emotion, at least for me.
Am very excited for your news and am wishing/hoping for only the best outcome.
thinking of you...sending gentle congratulations on your pregnancy...with lots of love.
I look at it as though this baby had done no more and no less than the others. It's ME that has changed. There is a part of me that isn't accessible to this baby right now. But to tell the truth, I don't think I'm going to worry about it...I've got enough to worry about. I'll make up for it if he's born alive...I promise.
Rosepetal,
I am just now discovering your news. I know that "congratulations" is kind of a sticky thing to say, but I am happy for you.
I think I understand what your psychiatrist is saying, but I also think that you will work this all out in time. If part of your way of coping right now is to not think about being pregnant then that sounds pretty ok to me.
I'm wishing you all the best.
Wishing you peace and strength.
I am so happy for you! I think it's normal to feel sad and happy at the same time, and even just 'neutral'. What your doctor said makes a lot of sense. I'm still pretty neutral at 15 weeks.
Congratulations on this pregnancy. I think you just have to take it one day at a time. What else can you do? I will be thinking of you and praying for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.
The music often does it for me too.
I wish for you a gentle journey this time, one where you have the time to do what you need to do. All in good time, and a live baby at the end of it.
I read your news yesterday and was filled with so many emotions in reaction - you must be so overwhelmed! I want to say 'congratulations' but the word, if not the sentiment seems wrong.
So I am hoping with every cell in my body that this little life will be with you forever until you leave the earth first. You know, the 'natural' order of things. Thinking of you x
Congratulations!
The music does it to me every time.
thinking of you, rosepetal. i can understand your neutrality to keep yourself from getting hurt. again. i hope that you can find small ways or moments to feel some joy.((hugs))
I agree with your dh. Music can do me in. So can reading. For some reason it seems that every book I've picked up in the last month (fiction) had some mention of stillbirth or dead children in general or something. It's like I can't get away.
Congrats on your +. I had missed that too. I will keep you in my thoughts.
Big HHHUUUUGGGGSSS!
Oh Rosepetal, I've been so absent and I'm so sorry. I just found your announcement and I totally understand why it's low key. I am hoping so much for good things to come of this - for happiness instead of sorrow to come your way. You're such a good, sweet soul and I hope that only goodness finds you from hereon in.
Gentle congratulations, my friend.
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