Increasing stress

I have been offline for a while as I've been busy at work but also because the wireless part of my wireless connection at home stopped working. So I'm typing this crouched by my broadband box, tethered by an archaic cable of all things.

This pregnancy is definitely becoming more and more stressful. I am doing my kick-counts (at the moment once a day but I would hope to go to twice a day whenever I stop working). This helps as I can objectively see no slowdown - Beanie generally takes no more than 30 minutes to make 10 movements.

Although I'm not doing formal kick counts in the morning, I do note in my head the morning movements. Some time over the last few days Beanie decided he wasn't going to systematically move anymore when I woke up and turned over in bed. This has sent me to the Doppler before 7am several times over the last few days. I have to wait at least 20 minutes after taking my thyroxine supplement in the morning before eating anything. Of course this morning as soon as I had eaten my breakfast he kicked up a storm but this was after a panic-stricken heartbeat search.

But god, this is all making for increased stress. I'm seeing my OB this afternoon and I'm going to ask her which hospital I should go to in a mad panic at the moment. The clinic where I would deliver if we make it to the end is not one that can deal with premature babies, so until 36 weeks I would have to go to the main state hospital which is the best equipped but further away or one other hospital which is closer but smaller.

And of course, I am only on a journey which is taking me closer and closer to where everything went wrong with V. I really feel the pressure of being the only person who could (and didn't with V until it was too late) detect slowed down movement. It is ultimately my responsibility and I failed V. I waddled to the goddam cinema in a heatwave the night before he died whilst he was probably already in trouble.

I am in no way psychologically preparing myself for bringing a live baby home but that's okay with me.

I'm also a little overworked at the moment and will have to tell my boss on Monday that I need to cut back - cutting back in this case means I will have to start leaving work at 6pm instead of 8pm or I'm pretty sure that my OB will reduce my working hours on medical orders sooner rather than later. I am beginning to feel the fatigue. I had to organise and run an all day workshop on Monday which saw me putting in a 12 -13 hour day at work and going into the office on Saturday to print swathes of documents for the participants. That's what I need to cut back on.

I also haven't been reading much recently, so off to check some fellow bloggers updates.