Update

I've just had a week's holiday - but somehow am feeling just as tired as I was at the start of it!

Good news is that from tomorrow I'm working reduced hours - 50% of my normal hours - as per doctor's orders. That means that I'm supposed to be working 16 hours a week. The real challenge will be for me to let go of stuff and accept that it just isn't going to get done rather than stressing about it not being done. My boss still hasn't found a proper replacement for me (I am supposed to be using February to be handing over to someone but unfortunately that person doesn't exist yet).

I've also started a prenatal yoga course which is supposed to help me relax. Also sort of on doctor's orders - well, not so much orders as repeated strong encouragement. I was quite worried about having to associate with other pregnant women and make small talk with them, but at the first session there was only me and one other person, with whom I shared nothing, so it was okay and mildly relaxing.

My D-dimer levels have started to go up slightly (indication of increased blood coagulation rates) although still in line with the normal increase to be expected during pregnancy. At my next ultrasound with the perinatologist I will have them checked again and then go to see the haematologist the same day to discuss whether I should start heparin injections. I'm feeling surprisingly calm about this, although am anticipating that by next Friday, when I have these two appointments, I will be a wreck once again.

My own OB has just started two weeks of vacation but I have the specialist appointment and a scheduled heart-rate monitoring session at the hospital to get me through it. And an appointment on the day she gets back to work. I'm going to talk induction dates with her then. I don't think I'll be able to cope beyond 37 weeks, if Beanie makes it that far.

I've been missing my Dad a lot recently. The other day I made an apple crumble and I wept at the memory of him liking apple puddings and how he used to pour cream on them and mush it all up together with a spoon in a pudding bowl before tucking in with gusto.

Also if Beanie is born alive, he will never get to know my Dad. This makes me sad now but I am anticipating it will be much more intensive when thrown into the total mix of emotions I will feel if Beanie is born alive.

The ceremony for my Dad which couldn't be done around Christmas is now planned for March with a different priest. The original one is still in a coma in hospital although in a general ward instead of in intensive care.

I can't travel for the ceremony, but my presence is not necessary - my brother as the eldest (and only) son has to perform these death rites. A few days after that my Mum will be coming to stay here for around 5 weeks, during which time I really really hope we will all be able to experience the birth of living, healthy Beanie who actually gets to come home with us in a car seat instead of in an urn like his brothers.