A year ago today

A year ago today was the last time I spoke to my father.

He had been having neck pain and the day before I spoke to him and he sounded terrible. The neck pain was on both sides and wasn't detected as a sign of a heart attack. In fact he had had a "silent" heart attack, a mild one, already.

I called him a year ago today specifically to ask him how he was. He sounded so much better, like his usual self, and I was relieved. At this point we had already found out that A. was likely to have problems and had opted to wait until 15 weeks to do an amniocentesis - to reduce the chances of a miscarriage following the amniocentesis. My father's last words to me were, "I'm thinking constantly of you."

Beanie's second name is my father's name. In the end he never knew A. or Beanie and only saw pictures of V.

He died on 30th April 2007 of a second, massive heart attack, causing his already weakened heart to rupture. He had no chance of surviving this one, even if it had happened in hospital. If the first one had been recognised, perhaps the second one could have been prevented. Or perhaps not. We will never know.

It still doesn't feel like he is dead - it feels like he has just gone on a trip and will be back any moment. I wonder how long it takes for that feeling to go away.

I miss you Dad.