Just like everyone else

For two nights in a row I have had a nightmare about my mother dying. In the first one, I died too, and it's true what they say - I woke up at the moment I would have died. We were in a car and my mum was driving. She took a wrong turn and we ended up on a high flyover which ended in mid-air. There were two tall buildings and the car landed on top of one of them, couldn't stop and then was heading for the other but at the wrong angle, so we were going to be pulverised.

I said to my mum, "Look at me, look at me!"

She looked confused and said, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I took that wrong turn."

"Look at me, look at me!"

She looked.

"I love you, I love you," I said.

Then we hit the building and I woke up instantly.

The next day I wished that in the dream I had thought about how I would meet the dead again. But that was not part of my dream at all.

And last night's dream, my mum was dying of some awful disease. But I can't remember all the details. That happens with some dreams, even vivid ones, unless you write it down straight away, you can't remember them anymore.

The one time I genuinely thought I was going to die, that death was imminent, was going in for my D&C after A's birth. I was so distressed and was convinced I was going to bleed to death. Even then, I didn't think about how death should not be feared, that I would meet those three again. And one had only just left.

So I suppose when the real moment does come, I won't be calm and prepared and thoughtful, just like most other people.