Thank you for the kind comments for V's second birthday and my Dad's seventieth birthday. We could have all been together for a celebration of 70 years for my Dad. But it wasn't so.
I have been staying with my mother, a fairly hectic trip with lots of visits and visitors. But I enjoyed it overall. I did the two-leg flight home on my own with Beanie and it turned out fine. My mother doesn't know where my blog is so it was difficult to read / write whilst I was there (I was deleting the browsing history every time I went online).
But I also have writer's block. As my friend Kate once said, after a while there is nothing new to say about the babies who are dead. I feel conflictually sad that V. and A. are eclipsed by the bright aliveness of Beanie. Conflictually as of course I am very happy that bright life is here at last. I don't resent Beanie for it at all, I just feel sad for V. and A and yes, guiltily sad for myself. Their presence is much more etheral. I also don't have much time for thinking a lot (about anything except daily operations - what's for dinner, when will I put the laundry on, I need to hoover etc.) any more and that makes me feel like my link to them is less present. I need to be able to concentrate to feel it intensely.
So maybe the end of this blog is near after all, unless I start writing about other things.
6 years ago
4 comments:
I hope you don't stop writing. Even if to just start a new blog maybe? I started a new one a couple times after K was born and I am finally settling in to my newest one (2.5 years later).
((hugs)) Rosepetal.
I am glad you had a good visit home.
Grief evolves. Nothing good, or bad about it. It just is. I am glad Beanie is with you and keeping you in the present.
It is hard to change the focus of your blog -- especially when you feel like there's only so much that you can say about a topic. But I'd love to hear about Beanie or just day-to-day life or whatever you want to talk about.
(any chance you would consider adding an rss feed, so your posts could be picked up on bloglines/ google reader and I'd know when you had a new post? If not, I completely understand.)
I, too, hope you don't stop. Your life changes, and so does what you need to talk about. But I know I want to be here to listen, whatever it is.
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