Not sure if I'm entering the anger stage of grief.
Email received from a not very close friend, who I haven't been in much touch with for a long time. She is due in October, and I know she has been trying for a long time to get pregnant. She was on the list of emails for people to get the (happy) news when Moksha was born, and so she instead got the (sad) news that Moksha was dead, since we sent it to the same list of people. English isn't her first language:
"Dear _____
I did not answer your last mail because I wanted to find the right words for you. As I told you before, I imagine how you are and [DH]. I have to tell you that I am praying for you and [DH] and I hope God can cure your souls. Unfortunately I still can not find the right readings in the bible for you, but with all my love I tell you that God is taking care of you, I can not tell you why the things happen, just he knows why, what he wants you to do now is to continue your life, and help each other to walk this hard path, You are suffering and I can not tell you it will pass soon, but remember that you have each other to support and the love of God.
With all my love, I hope next time I have the right words.
Isaiah 60:1-2
Rise up in splendor! Your light has come, the glory of the Lord shines upon you. 2: See, darkness covers the earth, and thick clouds cover the peoples; But upon you the LORD shines, and over you appears his glory."
I wrote this back:
"Dear _____,
I know you are trying to find the right words and I thank you for thinking of us.
But I will never understand why God would take away a little, loved, wanted baby whose parents were ready to do everything for him. I am not a Christian and so this doesn't really help me. I do not think God is shining a light my way and I am not covered in glory.
It may help you to think of it in these terms but it doesn't help me. I'm sorry for a harsh mail, but I think it's better if I tell you how if what you're writing is helping me or not.
I hope you are well. Your due date is in October, isn't it? Good luck with everything.
____"
Was I too harsh? She does say that she couldn't find the right words for me in the Bible. But then why put any words? If she was really really imagining her own baby, due imminently just like mine was, being born dead at the very last hour, then I don't think she could really think that someone saying "God is shining a light on you and you're covered in glory" would be comforting.
Heigh ho. I know, people don't know what to say. I don't know what I want them to say. But that wasn't it. Life sucks.
6 years ago
5 comments:
Nah, you were good. I would have chucked the email and not written back. And probably kicked the computer for good measure.
I recieved many inappropriate responses (often via email) when Nicolas died and each time, it hurt me anew. Now, years later, i can say 'oh, they were just trying to help', and i even knew that mentally at the time -- but it did not stop those responses from hurting me. Unfortunately, no response is equally hurtful (i got that too). Sigh, it is a long hard road.
I totally I agree with you, Catherine.
Also, it is important for me to always remember that people are inherently selfish. So I remind myself that when someone says something absurd, hurtful, and idiotic to try to make ME feel better, what they are really doing is trying to make themselves feel better that I am hurting. Does that make sense? It makes them uncomfortable to see me hurt, so they try to make it go away with instant-fix words. Then they won't have to worry about me anymore.
Don't worry it will all be okay. He is in a better place. etc. etc. etc.
I think you were right to be truthful. Not telling people the truth doesn't help either.
Hell...that was tame compared to some emails I've sent out. lol
delphi took the words out of my mouth. I think it is so true that people try to make *themselves* feel better about our pain and that is why most of the time people say really insensitive things (usually with references to God). It is like putting a band-aid or plaster over our grief.
rosepetal, I think you were right to tell her your true feelings. I don't think your e-mail was too harsh at all. I really don't. Big (((hugs)))
whoa. That is some wacky shit that was bestowed upon you. your response was outstanding. extremely well-handled by you. i'm impressed that you responded. i probably won't respond to my awful cousin who said "i was very sorry to hear about your latest miss" because i cant think of what to write.
the crazy thing is that i dont want to hurt her feelings or make her mad. i'm afraid that she'll go off to my mom about how spiteful and ungrateful i am. it's weird how we (at least i do) protect the people that hurt us with their misguided attempts at condolences.
it's like i've made some sort of tacit agreement with the world that i'll swallow all the grief and they won't have to hear about it even if they ask.
i am really impressed at how you handled the situation. i'm still trying to find a way to respond to my cousin. thanks for inspiring me and for your thoughtful comments on my blog.
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