Shoot the inner voices

I've always been a thin person and before I got pregnant I was slightly underweight for my height. This didn't bother me since I'd been the same weight for 15 years, so I just figured that that was my stable weight. It's not like I had any health problems because I was underweight. And for the record, when people make comments like, "You need to eat more," to a thin person it is JUST as rude and self-esteem deflating as if you were to say "You need to eat less," to a fatter person.

But I digress. Before getting pregnant I made a big effort to pay attention to my diet and managed to gain a small amount. I am also short-waisted and all my height comes from my legs. When I drive, I need a cushion as I'm short when I sit down. My pre-pregnancy wardrobe is made up of quite a lot of short-length tops, as normal length ones would end half way down my thighs, and mostly fitted trousers and jackets (trouser suits for work). I hate my legs so I almost never wear skirts and dresses unless they're long. I'm not griping about this, that was just my body. I don't think I had any more or any less hang-ups about my body than the next person.

My trousers starting getting tight after about 8 weeks of pregnancy, depending on the cut. By the end of the pregnancy, I was pretty huge - I think in part this was due to me being short-waisted, there was no place for Moksha to go except out - and I had gained.....24kgs (53lbs). Partly in water retention towards the end. But since I started out slightly underweight, my final weight wasn't really alarming for a full-term pregnant woman of my height.

When I was pregnant, I felt beautiful and feminine. My face filled out a bit and I think it suited me. I loved some of my floaty summer pregnancy tops and the shape of my belly. Part of this feeling must have been down to the mental state of just being happy, life going the way you want it, expecting your first baby and the next phase of your future with anticipation. In short, I felt like your archetypal glowing pregnant woman. I should be glad about this, as I don't think I will ever feel that way again in my life. I had bad stretch marks, but they didn't bother me in the slightest (except when they were itchy).

After the birth, I was shocked at my deflated belly as for me it was a sign that Moksha had existed. It was going down too quickly. It too suddenly too soft and mushy. The person that had been inside was nowhere to be found. I was glad about having the stretch marks and still am. They are something tangible that Moksha left me.

But I am slowly getting sick of being limited to a few pairs of jogging bottoms and some of my earlier maternity trousers. My tops are still a bit too short. My hips seem to have expanded and my tummy is still a bit protuberant, so none of my previous rather fitted trousers fit me. When I was on holiday I hated the fact that in some outfits I still looked a bit pregnant. I felt like this would be completely bearable if I had a baby in tow like I was supposed to have. I dreaded someone asking me when I was due. A lot of this may have been in my head but my body image has vanished. I'm not the thin person from before, I'm not the glowing pregnant woman and I don't look like the mother who just gave birth because I don't have the requisite baby with me. (And of course this means I have way too much time to think about it).

I'm just non-descript slobby woman with a limited number of sloppy clothes, baggy eyes and poor posture who doesn't smile (maybe rarely with some black black humour) or look people in the eyes anymore. The fact that I still can't get my wedding ring on makes me feel like DH's poorly chosen mistress. People must be thinking, geez, if his mistress looks like that, his wife must really look bad.

OK, I need to bring this to some sort of conclusion. Why don't I just buy some more clothes? It might be good for my self-esteem. I guess I haven't because it is tied up in my future wish to get pregnant again. If I buy more clothes, it means I think I'm staying like this. When actually I want to be on the way back up in the size and weight stakes. I have an inner voice (oh, one of many inner voices) which says, "Doc said wait 4 months. It's been 2 months. You'll get pregnant within the first month of trying, juuuuust like last time. All will go well. No point buying new clothes now. Just while away the next 2 months, that's all you have to do before your life starts again. Trust me, trust me."

Some of these inner voices need lining up and shooting.

P.S. [footnote removed]