More than eight months on from Moksha's death, I find myself feeling quite a lot of rancour and bitterness against some people. Some of whom I hardly know, some of whom are part of my extended family.
An example is my upstairs neighbour. She couldn't bring herself to even say "bonjour" to me after Moksha died - which is pretty rude in this country. I now ignore her completely whenever I see her (well I ignore her outwardly, inwardly I fume inside about how I hate her drain-like laugh and annoying voice which carries everywhere saying listentomelistentome). I do however have a set piece all ready for a particular scenario, should it ever happen. It goes like this:
UN: Bonjour
Me: (deliberate silence and dagger-shooting eyes)
UN: Bonjour
Me: (in French obviously) Sorry, I had to get used to you not being able to say bonjour to me after the death of my son, frankly I'm used to it now, so I'd just prefer it if you carry on not saying bonjour to me and you just carry not speaking to me.
UN: (feels very very bad and learns the error of her wicked ways)
Obviously this scenario has no constructive benefits whatsoever and means I would be using Moksha's death as a way to make people feel bad. I don't think this qualifies me for Kate's tag on being a good mother.
Another example, friends, who I consider ex-friends. The guy in this couple was DH's best man at our wedding. What did we get from them? Nothing. One tiny email. One very short phone call. That's it in over eight months. From her, nothing. I have nothing to say to them and it's one of the friendships I have been most disappointed in. For the birth of their children, we have always gone out of our way to visit them, coo and be interested, sent flowers and gifts. From them, not even a poxy card. DH, who is generally much more forgiving than me, wouldn't mind seeing them again. I've said I wouldn't ever stop him seeing them again, but I wouldn't be going along to the meet.
Finally, and more seriously, my BIL. As far as I am concerned, he is an emotionally selfish person who attaches no importance to family. He treats his mother with zero respect yet still brings his fucking laundry home for her to do (he is 39 years old). He constantly criticises her in front of other people. When Moksha died, he didn't call us because he was on a boating trip (a local boating trip I might add, where cell phones worked perfectly well). I finally sent him an SMS asking him to at least call his own brother. To cut it short, we ended up having an argument less than a week after Moksha's death where he told me that the timing [of Moksha's death] was inconvenient for him. He eventually called DH and made it all about him by begging DH not to judge his reactions. The same day that we witnessed Moksha's cremation in a 60cm long white box.
When I read the death announcement for Moksha it stings me that his name is even mentioned among people who really did live through the most intense grief whilst he was on a fucking boating trip. When I look at the pictures of the ceremony we had when we scattered Moksha's ashes, I wish he wasn't in any of them. The only reason I wouldn't cut off contact with him totally is for the sake of DH. Even after the ceremony, having offered next to no support to his own family, he was criticising his mother and the way she was speaking, in front of my parents and my brother. How can someone be so utterly insensitive to the pain of their own flesh and blood?
Rancour and bitterness. It's not going to get me or Moksha anywhere but I still can't let these things go, even after more than 8 months.
6 years ago
6 comments:
I can fully understand why you haven't been able to let go of the anger, your BIL is unbelievable and your neighbour, I have three of those (whom I still don't say "Bonjour" too.) and the best man, selfish, mean, pig!!!
You are so right to feel angry! People can be selfish, unfeeling bastards at times like these, simply unbelievable!
Let it all out, its good for you :)
X
It is a sad commentary on our society that so many people cannot see beyond their own noses to recognize when their own friends and family are living in a hellish pit of despair. I have my own SelfishBastards to deal with and it eats at me all the time. I am sorry that I expend so much energy and thought hating them, since they obviously don't EVER think of me. But there is nothing I can really do to stop it.
I think that blogging your feelings with probably give them less power over you, given time. For me, there are still people that I hate, but I think of them less now because a) I have blogged or journalled about them or b) talked about them (and their horrid behaviour) with people who do understand.
And I know how it is to be tempted to weild "my baby died" as a weapon. I have done it once or twice. It feels good at the time, then I feel guilty for using C's memory in that way. His life was pure and innocent and I don't want it to be used to hurt people...
Isn't it amazing how truly horrible people can be? Especially those who are technically the closest? I can relate to the appauling behavior of family members in relation to the death of my babies.
I am sorry for your bitterness...just remember that you're not alone in feeling so and we are here to listen to every rant. ((hugs))
People can be so cruel. For the people you describe (especially your DH's best man and your BIL) this goes way beyond thoughtlessness or not knowing what to say. Your BIL's bizarre selfishness and lack of caring for others really sounds like he has some serious psychological problems.
I don't blame you one bit for feeling rancour and bitterness towards them. As for letting it go -- well,8 months isn't all that long and they've made absolutely no efforts to show that they even knew what they did was wrong.
I can't believe your BIL. What a nob!
As for the 'UN' well I just don't know what goes through peoples minds sometimes.
I found Zak dying was the fastest way to have friends run a mile.
People just dropped us. We would then run into them at the shops and it was horrible. They would be full of ' oh I have been meaning to come see you' or ' oh I have called a few times'.
hugs
xxx
I am sorry. Been there done that. I have worked hard to let go of my bitterness towards certain people, well okay towards alot of people. It was such a huge shock to me when some of the people i considered friends very obviously showed themselves not to be so. I have simply 'dropped' those people to aquaintance or nonexistent status. As far as family, this is alot harder. I agree with delphi that talking about it helps alot, and time -- it takes a great deal of energy to be bitter, and eventually i tire of it ;) But even though i have worked through alot of these issues with certain people, they still will rear their ugly heads occasionally. C'est la vie, i guess...
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