Support Group

Two months ago we began attending a support group for people who have experienced the death of a baby. When Moksha died, no such group existed. It's run by a charity. We meet once per month, so we've attended twice. There are two facilitators, who have experience as counsellors in hospitals.

This was something that DH had wanted to do, he had never really been into visiting a psychologist but had said meeting other parents would be something better for him. What is good about this group is that there are other fathers attending.

In the group there are parents with the following experiences:

• A woman who chose to terminate her third child, a girl and an unplanned pregnancy, at 20 weeks after finding out late of a chromosomal problem. This woman I have actually met before, a few weeks after Moksha died. She helped me understand more on regrets. She has had no support from her husband and indeed he has just left her for another woman.
  
  
• A couple whose baby died at 24 weeks after an infection in her amniotic fluid. Her husband comes but seems a bit impatient for her to "get over it" so they can move on with their lives. She said she has always had lots of infections because of a generally poor immune system.
  
  
• A couple who have suffered multiple miscarriages, loss of two sets of twins in early 2nd trimester, pregnant with a singleton only to lose the baby at 8 months. She had a completely shell-shocked look and could almost not speak and her husband is angry (at the world, not at her).
  
  
• A couple whose baby died during labour at full term. But they only came once and sent a message to say that for personal reasons they aren't coming back. I wondered if she was pregnant again.
  
  
• A woman whose baby died at 15 months old from SIDS. The day before her daughter had some vaccinations and she held her arms down while the paediatrician gave the jabs and the baby cried. Obviously the doctor had also examined her and pronounced her healthy and fit. The next morning, her mother found her stiff, cold and dead in her cot. Clearly she wonders if the vaccinations killed her child and suffers with the guilt of having held her arms down. (No conclusive proof has ever been found that it was the vaccinations, and her two older children had received the same vaccinations).
  

Since for some reason I find it hard to cry much these days, this 2 hour session is a good in that it lets me concentrate on my emotions and on Moksha. DH and I also hear each other speak. I realise that I am very lucky to have such a supportive husband. For example last time I spoke about my guilt and I understood that he really doesn't understand why I should feel guilt.

I also feel that I can offer some help to the other parents, partly from being further on the journey of grief than most of the others, and partly from having written so much about my own feelings and read so much about other people's. In short the blogosphere has helped me enormously.

Now that I am pregnant I wonder if it is (a) good for me to keep attending this group and (b) acceptable to the others in the group once I start showing. I haven't told this group yet (I haven't told anyone except my immediate family and, well of course, everyone who reads my blog).