About termination

Termination is scheduled for next Tuesday. That's the day after our 2nd wedding anniversary. There are different reasons for selecting Tuesday.

1. My OB, who was with us when V. was born and has supported us physically and emotionally and who knows us, is away from Thursday to Sunday. She said we could go into hospital yesterday evening, but that was rather fast for us. She said she could set us up with another doctor but we would rather go through it with her. She has a rare gift of remaining professional whilst adopting the right tone and managing to show her own compassion. Examples of other doctors who don't have this:

The specialist who did the amnio. Spent ages looking at the heart on the screen but did not explain anything at all until I said, "Can you see a heart defect?" He treated each question like it was an irritation to his work. I asked him to explain the defect and he launched into a very technical explanation. I am usually quite good with technical explanations but in the end I just told him to write it down and I looked it up on the internet later. He told us it was closely associated with trisomy 21 but the amnio should be done anyway as it was the only way of being sure.

When it came to the amnio he didn't explain anything, I had to hurriedly ask seconds before he jabbed the needle in if it was going to hurt. His assistant showed a lot more compassion. It was rather suddenly plunged in and yes it hurt, not unbearably but it hurt (more than a blood draw which is what they told me it would feel like). In the middle of it I felt a deep deep sob welling up inside me and struggled to keep it in for fear of moving too much with the needle inside. That must have been hard for DH to see. It hurt more when they took the fluid. Then the needle was withdrawn and I was told to wipe myself down. I asked if I would get any type of bandage (even just a sticky plaster) and was told, no, no. I couldn't understand why I wasn't bleeding from the needle jab. I asked about the risk of miscarriage and all he said was, "That's essentially linked to loss of fluid." And? And? Loss of fluid from where? From where you stuck the needle in? From the vagina? How will I know? When should I rush to hospital? Thankfully my own OB was much more helpful.

Second example: the genetecist we saw yesterday. She gave us a mini lesson in cell division, mitosis and meiosis. Her tone was all wrong, too light and convivial, too many smiles. She was a little patronising (there was a student sitting in, which I didn't mind, he didn't say anything but she kept asking him if she had explained xyz complex topic well). She knows our history. At one point I was upset and said something about losing my second child. She launched into "Well, don't worry, you're young, it doesn't matter, you'll have another one." Bitch. Both DH and I slammed her. Afterwards I thought about how I should have said, "To you these are just cells in a laboratory, to me this is my son."

So we would prefer to go through this with our own OB who we know, who knows both of us and who feels deeply for us.

2. A. can spend our wedding anniversary with us. We have a week to say goodbye to him.

3. It means that we don't have two lost children to show for our two years of marriage.

For the termination decision, I have to say that the Trisomy 21 combined with a severe heart defect makes it slightly more clear for me. Just Trisomy 21 and I would have struggled a lot more. But to make A. who will already have poor muscle tone, go through several open heart surgeries as a little baby does not seem to be in his best interests. Whilst waiting for the surgery, he could become brain damaged due to poorly oxygenated blood. I do believe that that struggle is not in his best interests. He will already be prone to infection.

Just the heart defect and I would have carried on. If he was going to be well equipped for the struggle of recovering from open heart surgery, I would go on. But he isn't going to be.

Through the first three months of this pregnancy I had trouble believing in you A. Now I love you with all my heart, I have no doubt at all. Daddy loves you too.