Drowning

I am slowly drowning. There is too much to process, too much to think about. I need to go to my mother and support her. We got so much support from her after V. died and I wish she was here. She wishes she was here too. But she is at home dealing with the death of my father. I wish I was there. I wish none of this had happened. I wish V. hadn't died. How much easier life would be. A. wouldn't have even been here if V. had lived and he wouldn't have died as well.

So much death. My brain is not able to process all these things. It doesn't know where to begin.

When A. was born, I felt animal anguish, distress and fear. There were no thoughts. Just extreme distress. Pure emotion, no intellect. I don't know how I pulled back from that. By looking into DH's big, blue, tearful, concerned eyes. He held one hand, my OB held my other hand and the midwife stroked my leg.

When I went into theatre for the curettage to remove the placenta. which was not delivered, I became locked into an anxiety loop. I was conscious as I had eaten something a few hours before the birth, making a general anaesthetic difficult and anyway the epidural was enough. It's actually why I said yes to the epidural in the end. I had asked DH to stay with A. It's frightening lying on the bed and watching the ceiling lights go by. I don't know why. It's just a frightening perspective.

I was wheeled into theatre. I knew I was bleeding as that was why I had to go to theatre and not wait anymore with A. and DH. My OB was pressing on my abdomen and I could feel something coming out although I didn't know what it was. She spontaneously told me that it wasn't only blood, but also some urine and air and not to worry. But I worried anyway. I became convinced I was going to die from blood loss. I knew that my mother and DH would not be able to cope with my death. I told a masked person next to my head to tell my husband, my mother and my brother that I loved them. She said I could tell them myself very shortly. I became convinced that if I didn't die, I would need an emergency hysterectomy. My OB saw me in this cycle and told the anaesthetist to give me something to calm me down.

It worked as I don't remember anything else about theatre. I remember being wheeled out and the epidural line being removed by the anaesthetist but not that my OB had spoken to me before going back up to speak to DH. She had told me that there were no complications, no uterine perforations, that the curettage went well. The midwife told me again before wheeling me back up. A. was still there with DH, in his little bed made of a hospital dish, a hospital blanket and my mother's knitted blanket and a little gauze sheet. My mother's knitted blanket was much too big in the end. It was made with love and will go with A.

And now? Just 48 hours later and my post partum bleeding is very light. No pushing required. No loss of bladder control. A. was so very small. But he already had fingernails.