Today an old school friend called me after hearing about my Dad (whom he knew) and A. I don't see or even speak to him often but he is an old friend.
During our conversation, he asked me what I was going to do today. Not a complex question, it was only for today. The answer, really, is this: nothing. I am on sick leave right now and will be for at least June as well (for mental rather than physical reasons). My employer is pretty understanding.
My day today is:
- get up at 7.45am, only because I had an OB appointment at 8:30am
- see my OB
- drive home
- start writing a letter to my aunt, my father's sister, to whom he was very close
- talk to a friend who called and who didn't know my news; cry
- talk to a friend who called and who did know my news; cry
- surf the internet, blogland and news sites and a few trashy celebrity gossip sites
- feel guilty about not being able to think of something to eat, against doctor's advice which is that I must eat three proper, balanced meals a day (currently I eat two rather poorly balanced meals a day plus some snacks)
- think about how I could start Moksha's album (I do this every day)
- blank
- blank
- blank
- go and pick up A.'s ashes from the crematorium
- wait for DH to come home
My life is wasted at the moment. Time is wasted in waiting until we can start TTC again. Time is wasted in not being pregnant. Time is wasted in waiting until I will go back home to be with my mum again. I am doing nothing productive. I can't even manage to make meals for myself. I should at least be motivated into getting fit for the next TTC phase. I have lost 4 - 5 kgs since the beginning of this pregnancy, probably mostly due to the thyroxine but also stress, and about 500g since the end of it. My OB said that I had lost a lot of muscle weight and she could see my thighs wasting away.
Aside from the physical wait, she wants me to wait until I can smile again which sounds reasonable except that I don't know when that is going to happen. I honestly don't. The friend who called before tried to crack a couple of harmless jokes but they fell utterly flat. (By the way his wife had their 3rd baby girl last week. I managed to squeeze out a small congratulations. He said that he felt almost guilty that he has 3 living children now and I am going through this).
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By the way, OB's verdict is that I still have blood pressure that is slightly too low, my uterus is empty of placental tissue and I show no signs of infection after the curettage. The full amnio results are not in yet, but she did ask for a histological test on the placenta which has also confirmed T21. One of my fears, which is admittedly fading, is that we will find out that A. didn't have T21 after all and that it was all a huge mistake. I will call her on Monday to see if the full results are in. If we do have a translocation, we'll have to go in for more genetic counselling.
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I have been unable to comment in blogland recently, but I have continued to read. Thank you so much for all of your comments and emails. I find it truly amazing to have this blogland support network and all of the thoughts and actions of people I have never even met.
6 years ago
13 comments:
I think it's wonderful that you've been able to get out of bed and actually do things. I am sure it doesn't feel like you're doing anything, but you are.
(((hugs))) Always thinking of you.
Oh sweetie, it's okay - it's more than okay - to feel lost and confused right now, and to feel that horrible sense of purposelessness. You've been through more sorrow in the last 10 months than most people know in an entire lifetime. The fact that you're still writing, still getting up, still doing is a testament to your strength. And you're doing far more than you realize - you're surviving. Again.
(((((((((HUGS)))))))))
After Nicolas died, i was emailing with a lady who was many years down the child loss path, and i was lamenting that i spent many hours laying on the couch staring into space...doing nothing. 'Staring into space is good', she wrote, 'that may be what you need right now'.
You have been through so so so much....don't ever feel guilty for taking all the time you need.
Thinking of you....if i were closer i would make you a meal (or at least bring by some takeout, let's be realistic...)
You are being productive. You are giving yourself time to heal. Whether you recognize it or not, you are making small steps each and every day. That you are even considering when you'll smile again is good. That you look beyond the blankness of today to TTC or anything else is amazing. Your life, right now in this time, is to just BE and let the raw emotions settle. Eventually, you know, the scars will start to form and you will be able to do more. But for now, you just need to take this time for yourself. And it's ok. It's a strange place and it seems strange to do...but it is absolutely necessary for your survival. This much I know for certain.
{{{hugs}}}
I've been thinking about you constantly, Rosepetal. Right now it's okay to do nothing. But please eat! Pick up some premade healthy food if there's somewhere near you to do that, or have it delivered. You don't need to think about preparing it. I so wish I could send you some food and hugs right now.
You are being amazingly productive in my eyes at least. I am in awe of how much you are accomplishing already. I didn't receive or make phone calls for months. and I still have never picked up R's ashes. You are being very productive in your grieving and thinking. You are amazing!
xthinking of you constantly.
PS: and please remember to eat!
I agree! Take time sweetie, its really important, if its one thing I learned with three losses behind me, its to take it easy, do nothing if it helps you, be productive as you want if it does.
I personally did too much in the first few months, I wish I'd have hid myself away more, time to myself to heal.
HUGS and more kisses...
Do nothing and try to enjoy it. I threw myself right back into life after I lost my daughter. I went right back to work and tierd to carry on as if nothing had happened. I think that did me more harm then anything. I should have taken time off to just be with myself and do nothing but work on healing. Right now just take care of you and don't worry about being productive.
Honestly, you just described a typical day for me for the first 3 months after C. died. The only reason it didn't last longer than 3 months was that I had to return to work. I sat and stared at the wall for hours on end. I ate nothing or granola bars. I couldn't function properly at all.
I say this only to remind you that you are getting up every day. You are doing what you can. And that is a testement to your strength. It may feel like weakness, but I assure you it isn't. You do what you have to to get through the day. Your days will start to take on more of a form that you expect when you are ready for it. Don't push yourself.
I also remember feeling like I was waiting for something. Waiting until my show came on TV. Waiting until DH came home from work. Waiting until the scheduled chat in my online grief support group. I don't know what it is about grief that makes you feel as if life is in a holding pattern; perhaps it is our way of stopping the world around us when it doesn't make any sense to us.
Much, MUCH love to you. I am definatley here for you, as much as I possibly can be.
I know the feeling that your day/time is wasted, but try not to feel too badly about it. Forcing yourself to have activities that make other people feel better isn't going to help you. And I still can't get myself to cook too much. If Steve wasn't willing to cook we'd have a lot of sandwiches and cereal for dinner. I still just can't get motivated to do many things that i used to do.
You are doing the best you can to take care of yourself right now. Try to remind yourself of that occasionally (even though I know it's hard to do).
many hugs
Please do eat. And please be kind to yourself. What you have been through is unthinkable. Maybe sitting and staring is all there is sometimes. Well, that and eating. :)
Please don't be too hard on yourself. You can only do so much, and it sounds like you're doing much more in one day than I was able to accomplish for a week. As others have said, you should let yourself have time and space to grieve and heal.
your post reminds me so vividly of that feeling of waste and waiting. it sucks to infinity. the only good thing i can tell you is that even though it seems endless, it eventually, gradually ends. peace to you.
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