Last night I was talking to a good friend of mine. She is currently 7 months pregnant with her third boy. I spoke to her about my Dad and V., and that I don't think so much about A., and I wondered why that was.
She started off on a track saying that it was different because he was at 16 weeks. It is different but it is clear for me that I have lost two sons. By that I mean that emotionally the loss is as great - A. is as much my son as V. is.
However, somehow I seem to have obtained better closure on A.'s death even though it was only two months ago, than I have on V.'s death, which was coming up to a year ago. By closure I mean that I spend less time going over and over and over A. in my mind.
She then said something that makes perfect sense although I hadn't really thought of it in those terms before. She said it's all about control. I chose to ter.min.ate my pre.gnancy with A. It was incredibly difficult but I remained in control of what was happening. I was not in control of the defective egg with the extra chromosome or the heart defective but I was in control of what happened after that. I understood it all. There was a decision, an action and consequences.
With V., there was no control at all. There were no choices to make. I had no say in the events which occurred. They were utterly shocking and remain incomprehensible, even a year later. Sure, I'm slowly and painfully finding a place in myself for V. to live. "He lives in your heart" was a phrase I could not understand at all at the beginning. I would go so far as to say that I somehow have a relationship with him, just not one where I can touch, see, smell, taste or hear him.
So maybe that's it. Nothing to do with 16 weeks or 40 weeks but to do with control and no control.
6 years ago
10 comments:
I think it is because you not only had control this time but also concrete answers. There is no mystery with A.
Makes a lot of sense. Being completely out of control, especially when it comes to the fate of our children, is one of the worst feelings.
This makes sense to me. I am not sure whether this view is helpful, but it does make sense.
Interesting, and very perceptive. Yes, it does make sense.
I think it makes lots of sense.
You have more answers this time.
As for your post about your Dad, its just horrible how guilt plays over and over in your mind. The 'what if' is a question that never gets a answer.
Hugs
xxx
What an interesting observation from your friend. I just had a conversation with my mother about how when things happen that we have no control over, whatsoever, that fact is the part of the reason we find it so difficult to deal with.
I love how you explain V living in your heart and that you have a relationship with him. I feel the same about M. I often say to my husband, I know M isn't here, but I never feel he is far away from me.
That may very well be it. I know for me, my feelings are similar to yours and I did not have that control. So I have decided it is at least partly because with the second, I didn't have to deal with the shock of it all...the horror...the wondering how things like this could happen to me. I already had processed that part of it in the preceding year.
Catherine, I agree. I was not shocked by A's diagnosis. I think the shock with V. also protected me though. There is just no way I could have got through the things that had to be done without the shock factor. With A. I knew what had to be done and so didn't need the shock.
So it's control and lack of shock combined.
Like Catherine says, I think our expectations come into play as well. After one child's death, it's hard to expect a good outcome in a subsequent pregnancy.
Same here. Although the fact that I had control the third time round, personally didn't make the shock have less of an impact, just helped me organise things better. I also found the real, full on sadness came a little later on, bizzarly, like I was stunned and didn't quite get what has just happened. About the time I started blogging I think.
also, a big KISS and a huge HUG from me.
XXX
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