Impasse coming up

Flocks of birds are massing, lifting off, circling and landing, getting ready to leave for warmer climes. The local grapes and apples are being harvested. There's a chill in the sunshine. It's definitely autumn in the northern hemisphere. It always feels weird to read about how hot it is on the other side!

It was around this time of year three - three! - years ago that I got pregnant with V. Three years ago he came into my life so easily only to leave so silently.

I am still enjoying Beanie, utterly lacking in motivation for returning to work in January when my unpaid leave will be up. I know I'm lucky to have been in a position to take this time off, lucky to have a job, luckiest to have Beanie. I'm still dreading leaving him. We're looking for a nanny for Beanie and it's making me quite stressed. How will I ever let anyone else look after him? Will they take as much care, check on him as often, give him as many hugs and kisses?

He has graduated to his own room and it's going okay. Angel.care is helping my state of mind. He loves his fruit and vegetables and has just started having two formula bottles a day; the other two feeds still breastfed. I think he wasn't really getting enough from me during the day - the only feed that is still satisfactory - for the both of us - is the one first thing in the morning.

DH and I had a difficult conversation, probably the first of a few, about another pregnancy. It deserves a whole post in itself. It was around the fact that if we were to have another T21 baby with no serious physical defects, I am not at all convinced I would do the same again. He says he is. So this is quite likely to lead to some sort of marriage-crunching impasse. But as I say, it's the subject of a whole other post.