For V

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried


It may not seem like it all the time, but I wish you were here with us with all my heart. Every love song I hear on the radio seems like it was meant for you and me.

Nuchal cord no longer visible

The nuchal cord was no longer visible at today's ultrasound. They said it must have slipped off and be round her shoulder. Which I think isn't necessarily great as I think a shoulder cord can stop the baby progressing during birth. But at least it isn't round her neck anymore. My cervix is also opening slightly.

Now I just have to get through the weekend with no checkups (and no spontaneous labour). Small steps, even now. But I know I can go to the hospital for an NST anytime I want.

Volcano

My mum made it, on the original flights, arriving at the scheduled time. One less thing to worry about. Phew.

I have checkups scheduled for tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday being D-day, or let's just hope it's a normal B-day.

Plan

Today's NST was described by my OB as "one we could show to medical students to teach them what a perfect trace should look like." In addition there were a couple of contractions and Coccinelle reacted very well to them.

I asked my questions and the plan is as follows:

• We are still going for induced vaginal birth starting at 8.30am on 28th April (37.5 weeks)
• It is unlikely in my OB's opinion that I will go into spontaneous labour before then (but we know that's not guaranteed)
• I know under what circumstances I need to dash to the nearest local hospital (waters break and / or contractions 2-3 mins apart, or bleeding). They can call my OB and she will give them a history. At any other time I feel like I might be in labour, I can make my way to the hospital I am supposed to deliver at.
• I have another NST on Tuesday - the day after tomorrow - and will make another appointment with the specialist for Friday. I'm not planning on Friday's appointment being my last one either. To be honest the time between Tues and Fri seems very long to me.
• I understand the circumstances under which we will move to a C-section and how that will happen and the circumstances under which it will no longer be possible (full dilation).
• I have called a friend who knows Beanie and who Beanie knows - her son is the same age and she also has a 3 month old baby - and who said I can drop him off at any time of day or night if I have to (i.e. if my mum won't get here in time)
• My mother is looking at train tickets to be able to come in spite of the volcano - although it's a long journey involving getting to London and getting across Paris before getting here. She currently has shoulder bursitis, so I don't like the idea of her lugging her suitcase all alone up and down stairs in crowded stations but she said it would be okay.

Last Thursday Coccinelle's weight was estimated at 2.4kg.

I feel okay about the plan. I feel okay today, that is. Tomorrow I may or may not be in full panic mode again.

No plan as yet

Right now I don't have a plan (other than drinking lots of water as outlined by Delphi).

I haven't talked to my OB yet although she knew I was going to ask the specialist the question. Both she and the specialist both said what I knew already, it's very common, it's not in itself an indication for a C-section, I will be under constant monitoring throughout the birth and any decels will be visible early yadda yadda yadda.

As far as the specialist could see, it's not looped round several times, in fact he had to look for a long time to determine whether it was around the neck at all as Coccinelle had her head pressed down against her chest. But I don't think it's likely that she will untangle herself as she is already pretty far down in my pelvis. I'm also having more and more BH contractions and one of my fears is that I will go into spontaneous labour (something which has never happened to me) and I won't be hooked up to a monitor when it happens.

To add to it all, the ash cloud from that fucking Icelandic volcano has grounded all flights. Of course my MIL and FIL just managed to take off for the US (for a wedding, which we can't go to and which means they are not here for the birth or more importantly to look after Beanie during the birth) whilst my own mother is coming next Thursday and we don't know if she will be able to fly or not. Had my MIL and FIL been flying today, they wouldn't have been able to leave. They have always said that they would cancel and / or come back if needed, and now they can't come back.

Anyway on Sunday morning I will hopefully see my OB at the hospital when I have a scheduled NST. I will need to know the details of how an induced vaginal birth turns into a C-section due to decels.

Nuchal cord

Coccinelle has the cord around her neck.

Induction date

Tentative induction date set for 28th April (37.5 weeks).

Shock

I am shocked beyond words at Catherine's news. I cannot believe that this could happen again.

I don't think I'll be posting for a while. I'll post when there is some news, whatever it may be.

Terrible Twos

Beanie has turned two and it's like he read some sort of text book on the terrible twos. He's become disobedient and is throwing toys and food and refusing to eat his dinner. (It's fine to refuse to eat dinner but not to manifest it by squishing your hands in it and throwing it on the floor....) Before, when we told him off and told him to pick up his toys, he would look contrite and do it. Now he just laughs at me!

Today I really yelled at him and banged my hand on the kitchen table as I did it. Oh dear. Not good for him or me. I know all the theory, that he is testing his limits (and mine) and also that he is perturbed by the fact that there is a baby coming who is always with Mummy (since it's in her tummy), even when he comes to snuggle, the baby's constantly there (and he says: "no baby")and that when I can I rest such as over the Easter bank holiday, I do, and thus spend less time with him if DH is around.

I need to make sure I remember all that when he misbehaves..... and control my own stress levels. And remember how lucky I am to have him at all, which I generally do remember. But losing children doesn't automatically make you into some sort of super mummy.

I had another checkup today at the foetal medicine specialist. Blood flow through the heart and cord were normal and Coccinelle is measuring 50th percentile at 2.1 kgs. On the other hand they calculated Beanie's weight as quite a bit more than the supposed error margin in those calculations. But okay.

I thought about asking if she had a nuchal cord today but I didn't. I am only 34 weeks. What would I do in case of a positive answer? I may ask next week though.

Step by step

Last week on Tuesday I had another panic which involved my driving to the hospital on my own (DH had to take care of Beanie) for a heart rate monitoring session. I hadn't been feeling confident on the movements all day, and despite having found Coccinelle's heartbeat with my Doppler two or three times, it had all just built up by the time DH got home and I called the hospital in tears.

First I called the local hospital which isn't where I'm delivering, but is 5 minutes drive away from the new house. But they don't know me or my history and I was explaining it in tears. They were all set to have me come in when I said that I was delivering at the other hospital. Then the person I was speaking to asked if I had felt a movement within the last 2 hours (I had, I just wasn't feeling great about the strength of the movements) and she said it would be better to drive to the hospital I would be delivering at. That's about 25 mins drive away. She also gave me some crap about how one movement within 24 hours is enough??!!

By the time I called my own hospital to say I wanted to come in, I was well stressed. And it was in the end better to go there, as a) the midwife answering the phone knew me and my history - she even knew me when I was pregnant with V and b) told me that of course I could come in straightaway and c) to be careful driving.

Coccinelle was fine. At my next checkup with my OB, which was this week on Tuesday, we discussed the episode and she said that EVERYONE knew my history at the hospital I'm delivering at and that of course I should go to the nearest hospital in case of an real emergency but probably it was best to go to my own hospital for these monitoring sessions.

We had previously talked about my getting back in touch with my psychiatrist, who followed me through A's diagnosis, my father's death and my whole pregnancy with Beanie. But there is nothing much new to say, so I don't feel this would help me. (and also I don't know if my insurance will pay for more psych sessions). I did my usual trick of self-analysis, which doesn't always come out well, and determined two new things this time around:

1) With Beanie, if it had come to a choice between my life and his life, I was 100% sure that his life should be saved. Now, if something were to happen to me during the birth, I can't fathom how Beanie would manage without a mother. I feel quite conflicted about this and there is no conclusion to be drawn. I also can't fathom sacrificing Coccinelle for my own life.

2) Because I have to explain that Coccinelle is coming to Beanie, it forces me to a position where I have to say "when Coccinelle is here" rather than "if Coccinelle makes it". I stuck to the "if" position with Beanie until he was actually born safe and sound.

Those are the new aspects.

Anyway, I've stopped working now (phew) and as from next week will be on two checks a week, and then we will take it as is necessary.

Sorry for rambling post.