A moment of happiness

It's hard to be happy. I struggle with allowing myself to feel happy. I mean, how can you be happy when some of your children are dead? Really? It's just always there.

Last night I slept for 8 hours in a row for the first time in at least 8 months. Today I spent the morning with Beanie and Coccinelle. It was a beautiful crisp autumn morning. Coccinelle had a nice nap. When she woke up we went to watch an excavator move huge piles of earth into a dump truck from a house build site near us - something which made Beanie very happy! I took him to daycare - he starts in the late morning on Wednesdays. He likes listening to music in the car. I sang along to the song during the short drive. Coccinelle was busy making baby noises in her carseat.

I felt a moment of spontaneous happiness, one which came naturally and which wasn't weighed down by grief. It can be done. It just takes a very long time.

I made something!

[photo removed]

Beanie and Coccinelle today. Did I tell you I actually managed to complete a knitting project? I made Coccinelle's "shrug". Yay me! She spit up all over it shortly after this picture was taken.

School

I supplemented with formula today for the first time. Coccinelle is 4 months old and my milk seems to be drying up. I had her weighed yesterday and she has slipped down a growth curve. Now I'm supplementing I'm expecting what little of my milk is left to vanish. I'm a bit disappointed but I'll get over it. I wasn't enjoying the bf as much as I did with Beanie and Coccinelle didn't look like she was enjoying it either.

I've more or less come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to have any more children. The pregnancies are too stressful and my marriage isn't strong enough. This means that I feel like getting some "formal" exercise to try and tone at least some of the flab that 3.5 pregnancies in 5 years leaves on your stomach. Formula frees me to do that more easily too.

One thing it's difficult to admit to here is that looking after small children is quite hard. Having dead babies doesn't automatically make you into a wonderful parent that never threatens to take her son's favourite teddy bear out of bed unless he stops banging his head like a hammer against his headboard and risk waking up his sister and killing off brain cells. (The threat works like a charm).

I can't think every second of the day about how grateful I am to have two beautiful, healthy, living children. Even though on a macro scale of course I know it's true. I mean, V would have started school this week. I am so lucky to have had Beanie and Coccinelle.

I'm coming close to retiring this blog.

4 years

Happy 4th Birthday V.

We took your brother and sister to the seaside where we had typical British weather, fish and chips and we wrote your name in the sand. The high tide washed it away along with the flowers from your grandmother's garden.

Your little brother sang happy birthday to you without really knowing why.

We miss you little one.

Kids

I don't have the time or energy to update you on the details of my marriage but thanks for your comments and emails. Let's say that DH was sorry about spitting at me, he's just come back from a 5 day business trip. Things are slightly better but I'm still not sure what our long or even medium term future is.

In the meantime, on to happier things, here is a picture of the kids taken on 4th July.

[photo removed]

This morning during an argument, my husband spat in my face. The argument was already bad as it was in front of Beanie. And believe it or not, this evening he is still trying to hold some sort of moral high ground.

I'm not sure where we go from here, but I really want Beanie to stop having to see us argue and I don't want Coccinelle to go through her babyhood in this dreadful atmosphere of bitterness, point-scoring, anger, and well, yes, it seems hatred.

And frankly being spat at in the face has to be some sort of line. What is the next step? Kicks and punches?

Beanie is such a great kid. He is at a really fantastic age. He absorbs everything. He deserves better than this.

Anger and Regrets

Here is a picture of Coccinelle at almost 6 weeks.

[photo removed]

Apart from a gunky eye, which you can't see here as I had just cleaned it, she seems to be doing well.

DH finally took some days off and things got a little better. I am still harbouring a lot of residual anger and I still explode at him for the slightest thing. If the truth be told, I am also angry with him, probably wrongly, about what happened to A. Whilst I wavered about the te.rm.inati.on, he was quite sure. I wasn't strong enough and I don't believe that we explored about all the possible options and outcomes thoroughly enough. But he was already sure. Logically I know that my Dad had just died suddenly cutting short any time for reflection. We had no time left. The longer you leave such a decision, the worse it becomes. Maybe A would have died in utero anyway or after birth or during heart surgery or or or.

I still don't feel 100% comfortable in this "new" house although it's improving slowly. And I'm still angry about the lack of support throughout the pregnancy and the fact that I had to ask him to take more than a couple of days off after the birth of a baby. At least he has a job with good benefits.

But I do feel a bit calmer nevertheless. Probably some part of it was made worse by a dose of postpartum hormones.

*****************
It just slipped out. I referred to Beanie as "the first". Today another parent at daycare who has kids 23 months apart stopped to coo at Coccinelle. She asked how everything was going and in part of my answer I said, "for the first you tend not to leave them crying when they're so little, but when there are two, you inevitably have to sometimes." I don't really know this woman and she certainly doesn't know my history. But as I got into the car I immediately regretted saying that. If only the first had cried. I told myself that "first" was an abbreviation for "first living child". It's quite lame.

Life continues

Coccinelle is a month old now and has put on more than a kilo since we left hospital. She is doing well. Beanie was sick the week we came out of hospital with a fever of almost 40 deg C and I was more than a little paranoid that Coccinelle would catch it too. So I was telling Beanie not to touch Coccinelle which didn't help his psychological adjustment to his little sister.

However ,he is coming round slowly now. Very clingy to Mummy and a refusal of vegetables. But these are good problems for DBMs anyway.

On the marriage side things are going very badly. I feel so angry all the time towards my husband. We have had some very bad arguments which show no sign of abating. Yes, yes, I know that lack of sleep doesn't help matters (although Coccinelle sleeps way better than Beanie did at the same age). Part of the anger is the lack of moral support I had throughout the pregnancy. The day before the birth I wasn't even sure I wanted him to be there. We seem to have no connection or spark left at all. Frankly if it weren't for the children, I don't think I would still be here.

3 years

Dearest A,

I think I will never be able to stop asking you for forgiveness in my head. I love you even though I may not deserve to.

Mummy

Introducing Coccinelle

[photo removed]

2.75kg, Apgars 10, 10, 10, birth story to follow when I am less exhausted! Born at 2.25pm on 28th April. Photo is at 1 day old.

For V

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear
I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried


It may not seem like it all the time, but I wish you were here with us with all my heart. Every love song I hear on the radio seems like it was meant for you and me.

Nuchal cord no longer visible

The nuchal cord was no longer visible at today's ultrasound. They said it must have slipped off and be round her shoulder. Which I think isn't necessarily great as I think a shoulder cord can stop the baby progressing during birth. But at least it isn't round her neck anymore. My cervix is also opening slightly.

Now I just have to get through the weekend with no checkups (and no spontaneous labour). Small steps, even now. But I know I can go to the hospital for an NST anytime I want.

Volcano

My mum made it, on the original flights, arriving at the scheduled time. One less thing to worry about. Phew.

I have checkups scheduled for tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday, Wednesday being D-day, or let's just hope it's a normal B-day.

Plan

Today's NST was described by my OB as "one we could show to medical students to teach them what a perfect trace should look like." In addition there were a couple of contractions and Coccinelle reacted very well to them.

I asked my questions and the plan is as follows:

• We are still going for induced vaginal birth starting at 8.30am on 28th April (37.5 weeks)
• It is unlikely in my OB's opinion that I will go into spontaneous labour before then (but we know that's not guaranteed)
• I know under what circumstances I need to dash to the nearest local hospital (waters break and / or contractions 2-3 mins apart, or bleeding). They can call my OB and she will give them a history. At any other time I feel like I might be in labour, I can make my way to the hospital I am supposed to deliver at.
• I have another NST on Tuesday - the day after tomorrow - and will make another appointment with the specialist for Friday. I'm not planning on Friday's appointment being my last one either. To be honest the time between Tues and Fri seems very long to me.
• I understand the circumstances under which we will move to a C-section and how that will happen and the circumstances under which it will no longer be possible (full dilation).
• I have called a friend who knows Beanie and who Beanie knows - her son is the same age and she also has a 3 month old baby - and who said I can drop him off at any time of day or night if I have to (i.e. if my mum won't get here in time)
• My mother is looking at train tickets to be able to come in spite of the volcano - although it's a long journey involving getting to London and getting across Paris before getting here. She currently has shoulder bursitis, so I don't like the idea of her lugging her suitcase all alone up and down stairs in crowded stations but she said it would be okay.

Last Thursday Coccinelle's weight was estimated at 2.4kg.

I feel okay about the plan. I feel okay today, that is. Tomorrow I may or may not be in full panic mode again.

No plan as yet

Right now I don't have a plan (other than drinking lots of water as outlined by Delphi).

I haven't talked to my OB yet although she knew I was going to ask the specialist the question. Both she and the specialist both said what I knew already, it's very common, it's not in itself an indication for a C-section, I will be under constant monitoring throughout the birth and any decels will be visible early yadda yadda yadda.

As far as the specialist could see, it's not looped round several times, in fact he had to look for a long time to determine whether it was around the neck at all as Coccinelle had her head pressed down against her chest. But I don't think it's likely that she will untangle herself as she is already pretty far down in my pelvis. I'm also having more and more BH contractions and one of my fears is that I will go into spontaneous labour (something which has never happened to me) and I won't be hooked up to a monitor when it happens.

To add to it all, the ash cloud from that fucking Icelandic volcano has grounded all flights. Of course my MIL and FIL just managed to take off for the US (for a wedding, which we can't go to and which means they are not here for the birth or more importantly to look after Beanie during the birth) whilst my own mother is coming next Thursday and we don't know if she will be able to fly or not. Had my MIL and FIL been flying today, they wouldn't have been able to leave. They have always said that they would cancel and / or come back if needed, and now they can't come back.

Anyway on Sunday morning I will hopefully see my OB at the hospital when I have a scheduled NST. I will need to know the details of how an induced vaginal birth turns into a C-section due to decels.

Nuchal cord

Coccinelle has the cord around her neck.

Induction date

Tentative induction date set for 28th April (37.5 weeks).

Shock

I am shocked beyond words at Catherine's news. I cannot believe that this could happen again.

I don't think I'll be posting for a while. I'll post when there is some news, whatever it may be.

Terrible Twos

Beanie has turned two and it's like he read some sort of text book on the terrible twos. He's become disobedient and is throwing toys and food and refusing to eat his dinner. (It's fine to refuse to eat dinner but not to manifest it by squishing your hands in it and throwing it on the floor....) Before, when we told him off and told him to pick up his toys, he would look contrite and do it. Now he just laughs at me!

Today I really yelled at him and banged my hand on the kitchen table as I did it. Oh dear. Not good for him or me. I know all the theory, that he is testing his limits (and mine) and also that he is perturbed by the fact that there is a baby coming who is always with Mummy (since it's in her tummy), even when he comes to snuggle, the baby's constantly there (and he says: "no baby")and that when I can I rest such as over the Easter bank holiday, I do, and thus spend less time with him if DH is around.

I need to make sure I remember all that when he misbehaves..... and control my own stress levels. And remember how lucky I am to have him at all, which I generally do remember. But losing children doesn't automatically make you into some sort of super mummy.

I had another checkup today at the foetal medicine specialist. Blood flow through the heart and cord were normal and Coccinelle is measuring 50th percentile at 2.1 kgs. On the other hand they calculated Beanie's weight as quite a bit more than the supposed error margin in those calculations. But okay.

I thought about asking if she had a nuchal cord today but I didn't. I am only 34 weeks. What would I do in case of a positive answer? I may ask next week though.

Step by step

Last week on Tuesday I had another panic which involved my driving to the hospital on my own (DH had to take care of Beanie) for a heart rate monitoring session. I hadn't been feeling confident on the movements all day, and despite having found Coccinelle's heartbeat with my Doppler two or three times, it had all just built up by the time DH got home and I called the hospital in tears.

First I called the local hospital which isn't where I'm delivering, but is 5 minutes drive away from the new house. But they don't know me or my history and I was explaining it in tears. They were all set to have me come in when I said that I was delivering at the other hospital. Then the person I was speaking to asked if I had felt a movement within the last 2 hours (I had, I just wasn't feeling great about the strength of the movements) and she said it would be better to drive to the hospital I would be delivering at. That's about 25 mins drive away. She also gave me some crap about how one movement within 24 hours is enough??!!

By the time I called my own hospital to say I wanted to come in, I was well stressed. And it was in the end better to go there, as a) the midwife answering the phone knew me and my history - she even knew me when I was pregnant with V and b) told me that of course I could come in straightaway and c) to be careful driving.

Coccinelle was fine. At my next checkup with my OB, which was this week on Tuesday, we discussed the episode and she said that EVERYONE knew my history at the hospital I'm delivering at and that of course I should go to the nearest hospital in case of an real emergency but probably it was best to go to my own hospital for these monitoring sessions.

We had previously talked about my getting back in touch with my psychiatrist, who followed me through A's diagnosis, my father's death and my whole pregnancy with Beanie. But there is nothing much new to say, so I don't feel this would help me. (and also I don't know if my insurance will pay for more psych sessions). I did my usual trick of self-analysis, which doesn't always come out well, and determined two new things this time around:

1) With Beanie, if it had come to a choice between my life and his life, I was 100% sure that his life should be saved. Now, if something were to happen to me during the birth, I can't fathom how Beanie would manage without a mother. I feel quite conflicted about this and there is no conclusion to be drawn. I also can't fathom sacrificing Coccinelle for my own life.

2) Because I have to explain that Coccinelle is coming to Beanie, it forces me to a position where I have to say "when Coccinelle is here" rather than "if Coccinelle makes it". I stuck to the "if" position with Beanie until he was actually born safe and sound.

Those are the new aspects.

Anyway, I've stopped working now (phew) and as from next week will be on two checks a week, and then we will take it as is necessary.

Sorry for rambling post.